Retrospect, the days were fresh and easy.
There never was a saint with red
hair — Russian Proverb
- Born 1977
to seventeen year old Crystal Dean/Alfred Gomes (late twenties) at
Chapman Hospital in Orange, CA. Alfred was in prison for armed
robbery/heroin possession and not present for my birth. Iris Sexton,
grandmother, was present.
- Lived with
Crystal/Iris in several low income apartments located in Anaheim, CA.
Community College magazine photographs me playing alone in the day care
sandbox. Crystal was in class.
memory was crying on an ottoman because Crystal was “going
out.” Iris tried to console me. I remember thinking,
“You are not my mother. I just want my mom.”
shared sips of beer while I sat on her lap before bed. Iris was an
alcoholic. I remember thinking I felt loved.
- Visited my
Great Grandmother, Velma Barkley, often at her house in Hesperia, CA.
- Velma had
a blue kitty named Suki. I fed the kitty her wet food in the mornings.
Velma painted a picture of me feeding Suki.
memory of my schizophrenic uncle, Michael Dean, at Velma’s
house in Hesperia. He clutched me in his lap causing Crystal to
panic. Mike flung her across the room after she attempted to
rescue me, bouncing her skull off the corner of a coffee table
splitting the forehead open. Velma took us to a hospital Emergency
Room. Sat in the sterile cold of the waiting room feeling
helpless. Stared at the drying blood covering my
mother’s young face.
a black widow in the bathroom of Velma’s house. She captured
the spider with a square of toilet paper, crushed it in her hand. I
remember thinking she was mighty.
hunted alone in Velma’s backyard for desert rocks to paint.
- Friday was
Bingo Night for Iris/Velma. They would bring home a box of
Cracker Jacks if they won. The tiny prize inside the box made me happy.
I remember feeling excitement trying to stay up until they came home.
worked/schooled day & night. Almost always home
alone. Panic attacks start.
- Played in
the neighborhood until 11pm with no supervision.
- Mike began
sleeping in an abandoned car in our garage.
diagnosed with brain cancer. Iris had been searching for
hours when she finally found me playing with paint cans in a
neighbor’s garage. My skin was browned by the stain
of varnish when she delivered the news.
outings with Velma. Fished for the first time. Frightened by
Velma and avoided her physical touch. I did not understand what brain
dies. Crystal/Iris hysterical after hearing the
news. I could not comprehend why.
funeral. People kept asking me if I was okay. I felt apathetic. I was
okay. I saw her corpse in the coffin. Started crying and
thought “I will never be loved again.” Tried to put
my fist through a car window several times. People were laughing and
joking at the wake. Sat in the back alley to avoid the liars.
- Began 1st
grade. Walked alone to school. Made a wrong turn
down a busy street and became lost. Felt intense anxiety and
began crying. Arrived at school 2 hours late.
moved frequently. Went to 5 schools in 1st grade. I did not have
forgot me in a Lucky’s grocery store. I paced each aisle. She
drove back to find me trembling in the dairy section.
swarmed my apartment courtyard on a Saturday morning. I walked outside
to witness SWAT yelling at a Mexican man positioned on the second
floor. The Mexican was shirtless, shoeless and covered in
blood. He waved a large kitchen knife. I ran back inside to
window watch. SWAT shot him dead in the apartment he lived in.
- Mike baby
sat me and another girl (daughter of one of Crystal’s
friends). Crystal went dancing at American Bandstand. Mike
read “Hustler” on the couch and mumbled to himself.
Played doctor in my bedroom with the girl. I did not see her again.
and her friend Starla took me to a drive-in to watch
“Children of the Corn”. They neglected to explain
it was a horror movie. The final car scene terrified me. Had
anxiety walking past cars at night until my middle twenties.
- Woke from
sleep to hear Satan screaming and moaning. Crystal was
watching “The Exorcist” on the living room
television. This was the beginning of my insomnia.
randomly apologized for doing that “thing” to me. I
didn’t understand what he meant. I have no memories
- Lit an
apartment building basement on fire with some neighborhood
boys. It was an accident. Sort of.
would frequent the Anaheim mall. She would hand me a $5
dollar allowance to spend in the arcade while she shopped in the mall
- One mall
visit I felt very anxious about being alone and shit my pants. Sat on a
parking lot bench for 3 hours waiting for Crystal to return.
dropped me off at a Filipino woman’s house. She
told me I was going to live there a while. I ate rice every night.
wetting the bed.
- A goofy
looking white lady visited me. I had never met her before.
She said she was a friend of Crystal. Her name was
Denise. We went to McDonald’s every
weekend. She talked about God the entire time.
stopped visiting without notice. I still had not seen Crystal in months.
Filipino family wanted me to leave. Crystal picked me up in her car.
She was living in a Motel room 5 minutes from where I was living. She
left me alone in the Motel room. I took the cover off the air
conditioner, stuck my finger against the rotating blade. The
cut practically severed the tip off.
birthday Crystal took me to Chino Prison to meet my father Alfred for
the first time. I spent most of the time watching a vending
machine rotate food. I was wearing a pin with the words
“kiss me it’s my birthday”.
weekend at Chino Prison. Crystal/Alfred/me vacationed in a trailer on
the prison campus. Made shrinky dinks alone while Crystal/Alfred had
sex. Alfred taught me how to throw a proper punch.
casually informed me Alfred was out of prison and I was going to live
with him. She dropped me off at his apartment in Santa Ana the next
night. My half-brother Alfred, Jr. and half-sister (I can’t
recall her name) were already living there. I
didn’t know I had siblings prior to our introduction.
- Alfred was
not allowed to have children in the apartment. He would leave
us at Hart Park in Orange every day before work (around 7am) and pick
us up after work (around 6pm). We did not get money or food. Called
random numbers collect from the park pay phone to pass the time.
Jr. informed me Alfred was present for his birth.
arrived to take me back with her. Alfred dangled her over his
second floor balcony and beat her for it.
brought me to Iris’s house to live.
in little league baseball. Walked alone an hour and a half to practice
and an hour and a half back home. Families would drive by and wave.
alcoholism worsened. Each evening she drank a cup of brandy and chased
It with beer. Then the yelling would start. Most nights she
would retire to her bedroom and moan cry for her dead mother.
made an unannounced visit to treat me to ice cream. We went
to a house to buy heroin instead. He drove back to his
apartment. Instructed me to stay in the car. Four hours
passed. I was shivering from the cold night when he came down from his
apartment. He let me lay in bed with him for about 10 minutes
to warm up. Alfred had never showed affection towards me
before. I felt really happy falling asleep next to
him. Then he told me to “get the fuck out of his
bedroom and go to sleep in my own bed”. This was the last
moment of my life I shared with him. Iris retrieved me from the
apartment in the morning while he slept. There was never any
- Iris began
working graveyard shifts. I spent my nights alone watching
television. We only saw each other on the weekends.
would visit once a month with her new boyfriend Dutch. Dutch was a
6’6 350 lb biker.
- A few
times I would stay with Crystal/Dutch at their biker house. There were
9 or 10 additional bikers living there. Constant drug use and leather
clothing around me. Frst time I saw marijuana, it was packed in gallon
size plastic freezer bags.
got married. Dutch sold his Harley motorcycle and bought a truck with a
camper on the back.
decided to move to Oregon where Dutch had a machinist job waiting for
him. They took me with them against my will.
Listened to The Beastie Boys “License to Ill” 24
times during the drive to Oregon.
new job was graveyard shift. Crystal and I slept in a sleeping bag at a
local Oregon park for the first 3 days while he worked. There
were ducks in a small pond at the park. I would pretend I was
one of them to fall asleep.
- Moved to a
month to month motel in Gladstone, OR. The motel was owned by an Indian
family. The smell of spice was strong.
“Spaceballs” 25 times on HBO during the
summer. Walked around Gladstone alone.
- Moved into
a house in a poor neighborhood in Southeast Portland, OR. We had no
furniture and used an igloo ice chest for a refrigerator.
- Sat on the
hardwood floor in my bedroom for hours after school until I fell asleep.
- We got
worked graveyard shift. I did not see her often. Dutch
started working the early day shift.
became depressed. He would sit in the chair in the living room and
glower at me. He would not allow me to turn the t.v. on or eat. Days
would go by before he would say a word to me.
in trouble at school.
- A boy on a
bicycle rode past my school room and pointed a loaded pistol at the
class. This was the first time a gun was pointed at me.
- Had one
friend, Robbie Krietzer, who lived next to the middle school. I stayed
the entire 3 months of summer at his house without going home. I did
not tell Crystal where I was.
- Robbie and
I played “Legend of Zelda” for 70 hours straight
until we finished the game. Had a serious case of Nintendo
- Went back
home the day before school started. Crystal did not seem to notice my
attempted suicide because he thought boys were mean to him. I saw
Robbie one time afterwards. He moved away.
spending time with a boy named Wally. Wally’s parents were
separated and both heroin addicts.
dungeons and dragons with Wally and his skinhead friends. The skinheads
did not like me much. I fought a lot with them.
dad paid me to rip apart wood pallets in his backyard.
getting bullied by a kid who lived on my street. My house sat
on a dead end with a cemetery behind. He lived at the front of the
street. I had to walk past to go or come home. At school he
left me physically alone. He would punch me in the face when he caught
me walking to or from my house. I would try not to leave my room and
would cry from the anxiety of getting beaten.
attacked me over a joke I made at school. I did not fight back because
I was scared to lose the only friend I had. Wally and I were not
friends for a long length after.
and Dutch would fight the nights they were both at home (think it was
Tuesdays). Crystal would scream at Dutch and hit him until he would
show emotion. I watched Crystal punch a plate glass window and cut her
arm in several places. Another night, Dutch broke Crystal’s
toe trying to drag her outside to prevent Crystal from hitting him
terror started. When alone, often while in bed for the night, had panic
attacks over my imminent death and resulting nothingness. I could stop
the panic attacks by crying, shaking my head violently left to right,
and screaming “no no no” repeatedly. I began
elaborate escapist fantasies in my mind to distract myself from the
realization of my death. Many hours of nights/days were spent
pretending I was someone or something else while hiding in my bedroom.
was spent alone watching television and eating food Dutch cooked. I
remember Dutch sitting silent in the dark living room staring at the
wall. He didn’t move until 10am the next day.
- We had no
Christmas tree because Dutch/Crystal were fighting and
“punishing” each other.
took me to Damasch Mental Hospital where she worked. Crystal wanted me
to “see and meet the really neat patients she worked
with”. The place felt cold and evil and the
schizophrenics scared me by saying random words about killing me or
stare and whisper towards me. Crystal was infatuated with the mentally
ill. She showed more interest in them than me.
- Started my
first of many round trips from Oregon to California to visit Iris. Rode
an Amtrak train alone for 25-26 hours. I would go to the bottom floor
to be alone and watch the country speed by through a little window next
to the bathroom.
Reedmer, Iris’s brother, came to live with her. I shared a
room with him when visiting. Steve was an alcoholic like Iris. Steve
would often scream and flail in his sleep. The severity depending on
- Steve gave
me $20, told me to “wash my balls, armpits and face but not
in that order” and left me at the train station. I remember
feeling sad and did not want to go back to Oregon to live with
was not at the train station when I arrived. I sat there and watched
people come and leave the station for 3 – 3.5 hours. Crystal
arrived in a new car and said she was sorry.
- A mentally
ill woman, Karee, escaped from the hospital Crystal worked at and
arrived at our house. Crystal talked with Karee for a few hours then
had the police pick her up some time after I fell asleep. I
don’t remember how Karee knew where we lived. Crystal had a
cat she named Karee.
became pregnant and gave birth to Montana Sue Karee Betzhold.
would leave Montana with me for hours every day. I became very
protective of her.
- Mike had
been committed some time during the past few years and was incarcerated
at a mental hospital in Norwalk, CA. The hospital was more like a
prison. Crystal and Iris conspired to help him escape. They
flew him up to Oregon. Crystal committed him to Damasch Hospital where
hating my birthday. Crystal would promise to take me some where every
birthday then forget or be sick. I got a Supersoaker from Toys R US the
next birthday and had a friend spend the night. It was the happiest
birthday I can remember.
- Rode the
Greyhound bus to California. Played Street Fighter II at 4:00am with a
crack addicted male during a layover in Sacremento, CA. I remember it
was the only social interaction I had had in the previous 20 hours.
- 8th grade
teacher confided she was a Wiccan and that she did not cast a curse
towards me because she was scared it would bounce back on her.
high school at Marshall High in SE Portland. I was put in the
“high risk” freshman class.
in football because it would be a reason to see Dutch sitting silent in
the living room at home. Did very well at football. Played starting
offensive/defensive line. I felt “accepted” and
remember being happy.
- First time
masturbating. It made me feel nauseated afterwards.
Rick Curry and his younger brother Robert “Little
would provide me $2 a day to ride the bus to/from school. Some days I
would get too hungry, spend the money on lunch and walk home after
shoplifting from grocery stores to feed myself.
- Stole the
Anarchist Cookbook from the library.
- Stole the
Satanic Bible from the library. Returned it. I
- Joined the
wrestling team. The coach, Monty, had a giant scar over his right eye
brow. He received the scar while chainsaw cutting a door frame above
his head. The saw bounced off the frame and went into his skull.
- Rick and I
befriended James, a 30 year old black man who worked at a gas station.
He would often invite us to his house in NE Portland to drink
- Rick, Bob,
some other people and myself went to James house in NE Portland. I
noticed we were the only white people around. I watched two black women
fight in the street until one pulled out a steak knife from her purse
and stabbed the other one. The stabbed black girl ran back to her
apartment and reemerged with a butcher knife. The cops came. We ran
- James had
a naked roommate sleeping on his couch who would not stop talking about
Prince. We drank 40’s of Old English and St. Ides. James and
his roommate were closet gay. They frequently tried to lure
one of the teenage boys to stay alone.
graffiti tagging with a few boys from high school. A couple of them
were in a tagger gang named “DK” short for
- 3 of the
boys I associated with died by the end of the school year. Dean, the
leader of DK, committed suicide by shooting himself in the head while
sitting on his girlfriend’s lap, Richie was murdered while
sitting in his car and I never heard the details of Tom’s
- Rode the
Greyhound bus to California again. Read Stephen King novels and X-men
- Iris and
Steve would get drunk every night and scream argue. Spent most of my
nights alone at the $1.50 double feature theater at the Orange Mall.
Iris/Steve would (usually) pass out around 11pm. I always tried not to
be home until 11:30pm.
back in Oregon the day after Labor Day. This caused me to be
late for the start of football. The coach and I did not get along. He
refused to allow me play in games as punishment for not starting
practice in mid-August with every one else. We argued a lot. I ended up
crying on the sideline of a game and quit the team.
going to school. Spent most of the days at the mall playing Street
Fighter II or Mortal Kombat.
- A senior
from high school named Brian pointed a laser scoped pistol at my chest
while I was eating at McDonald’s one night. Rick noticed the
glowing red dot on my torso. I saw Brian in his car smiling and
pointing the gun towards me. I ran towards traffic to escape.
- Rick left
Oregon to live with his father in Washington. Bob was my only
friend. We became very close. I spent the entire Christmas
break at Bob’s house.
- A few
nights before Christmas, Bob and I went to the liquor store late at
night to play Street Fighter II and buy soda drinks. Inside the store
two other boys said “hello” and waved at us while
leaving. They didn’t look familiar. Bob and I left
15 minutes later to start our walk home. When we cut down a dark alley
the two boys from the liquor store were waiting. They started
to hit Bob. Bob ran away and shouted something incoherent. I got
punched in the mouth which broke my front tooth. Then a gun
pointed at my face. I realized Bob was trying to convey that the boy
had a pistol. I immediately ran.
- Bob called
his eldest brother, Phil, to explain what happened. Phil dealt drugs.
He drove to Bob’s house, picked us up and we found my broken
tooth on the asphalt. Bob said he recognized one of the boys from a
tagger gang. Phil drove around a neighborhood by my house describing
the kids to people on the street. We found where they lived and went to
their house. The boy would not come out. Phil took us home, drove back
with a friend and threw bricks through the front windows. He then
physically beat the boy when he ran out to see what was going on.
- I phoned
Crystal and told her I needed to see the dentist. The root in my tooth
was exposed and the pain was very intense. 8 or 9 days later Crystal
scheduled a dentist appointment. The root was dead and the dentist made
a fake tooth to replace the broken one.
- Won a trip
to Disneyland from a radio show. Spent the entire weekend alone at
Disneyland. I saw Crystal, Dutch and Montana once for about 20 minutes.
We flew back to Oregon on July 4th.
- Moved to a
small rural town called Sherwood, OR.
pregnant with Cheyenne Ryen Betzhold.
- Kicked out
of my house for the first time. Crystal was depressed and told me she
hated me. She wanted me to leave. She punched and screamed
until I left.
- First time
homeless I slept in a playground fort in a park. I was wearing shorts
and a t-shirt. It was late fall. I shivered most of
the night. I watched Crystal drive by the park on her way to work.
Found a closed gas station with an open bathroom and took to sleeping
on the toilet. Pan Handled for bus money to get back to Portland. Stole
food and clothes.
- One night
it was freezing and windy. I slept behind a handball court at an
elementary school, slept another night in the grass under a freeway
overpass, another night on a rattan chair sitting on a random
person’s porch, and a couple nights at Rick’s. The
police found me walking by the side of the road, arrested me, told me I
was a runaway. They took me back to Sherwood where Crystal
and Dutch scolded me for running away.
Catcher in the Rye.
would lock up the house and not provide a key. I started breaking in to
sleep in my own room.
became increasingly confrontational and began threatening to beat me.
- The day
after Christmas I told Crystal I was going to Portland for the night.
She forbade me and became very upset. She started hitting me and
screaming. I let her do this for about 5 minutes until I couldn't keep
the anger in, grabbed her by the shoulders, shook her and begged her to
leave me alone.
- Stayed in
Portland sleeping at various people's houses for a week.
- Visited a
friend named Wayne. We were in his father's bedroom when he
unexpectedly pulled a revolver out of the closet, aimed it at my face
and said, "I could shoot you right now and no one would miss you." He
lowered the gun after a couple minutes.
was to check in at the hospital to give birth to Cheyenne. I took a
dollar in pennies from a friend and rode a bus to the hospital.
- I could
not find Crystal in the normal maternity rooms. I found her in a back
room. She explained she gave birth to Cheyenne the night I
left. She had him on a friend's couch. They could not make it
to the hospital.
Cheyenne for the first time. He was very small and looked sickly. He
had just had surgery to repair scrotal hereneas.
and Dutch did not talk to me much. I sat alone in the
hospital waiting room for hours.
pushed me around a little one day. Told me never to touch his wife
pushed me while I was doing dishes in the kitchen. I grabbed a large
carving knife and pointed it at him. He backed off. I threw the knife
in the sink and fled to my room. I grabbed a metal ring measurement
gauge waited behind the door for Dutch. Crystal stopped him on the
stairs leading to my room.
to eat. Oreos and coca-cola mostly. Slept in parks/public bathrooms.
Wally let me sleep in a camper on his property a few weeks until his
mom found me. Smoked hash for the first time with Wally. The
session lasted 5 hours straight. His mom said I couldn’t stay
- I was
walking at 2am looking for a place to sleep when my friend Blue saw me
from his bedroom. He told me to climb in through his window. I slept on
parents allowed me stay a week. Blue told them I was
homeless. They wanted me to call Iris.
- Iris paid
for me to fly back to California to live with her.
at Villa Park High School.
friends with Steve Critchfield and Aaron (forget the last name).
- Steve and
I would write humorous stories during class and exchange them after
school. My best story was about his stepfather, Perry, who had a high
pitched voice and a smooth hairless region where his penis was supposed
purchased a computer for my school work. It was an IBM PS/2 25mhz 486
with a 1200 baud modem.
to the online world. Started dialing into BBS (Bulletin Board
Systems) around Orange County. First introduction to the
words: Hacker, Warez, Phreak.
became a dead place to me. I found no value intellectually or
socially and would not attend for 2-3 week intervals. A
classmate would forge my sick notes.
Iris to buy me a Unix shell account to the Internet.
Everything was text. Began using Internet Relay Chat (IRC) to
communicate to other internet connected individuals. #ansi
was the channel I normally frequented It was a meeting place
of the BBS clique. I would spend my days and nights online
instead of learning in school.
- On random
occasion would show up at school to see actual human beings.
My English teacher Mr. Corradino realized I was not interested in
school. Instead of homework or class work, would ask me to take a book
from his shelf, read it and return it the next time I decided to come
to class. He introduced me to the book
reading the hacker journal Phrack. The dark side of computing
was exciting. Began reading every hack/phreak journal I could
find on the internet.
to the IRC channel #hack. A meeting place where hackers would
boast about exploits and shit talk each other.
showed up one night and explained he was homeless. I hid
Steve in my closet every morning until Iris left for work. 2
weeks passed and he departed.
- Built a
“beige box”. Used the beige box to
illegally set up 1-800 ATT teleconference bridges. The
conference bridge was a past time of the hacker.
- A school
counselor, Mr. Edwards, pulled me aside one day to inform me I was a
fuckup and wouldn’t graduate—ever. I felt
in Richland Continuation School under my own volition. The
school was easy. I finished most classes in 1 to 3
days. Shop class was the worse.
- Entered in
a Scholarship Contest. The assignment was to write an essay
about why a person should get a scholarship. I wrote about my
life. The Rotary club scholarship awarded me as winner of the
contest. 2 years of paid community college.
- First of
the headaches. A strange pressure would fill my
head. My brain would feel like it was folding or flapping
until I thought I would die. I was terrified it was
cancer. I didn’t want to know the day of my
death. Avoided telling people about the headaches.
Every day after my thought was rife with death.
Richland high school, not on time but early. I finished my
last class, English, met the principal at the front office, was given a
weird smelling robe and cap, a Polaroid picture was taken of me, then
posted on the wall. Gave back the robe and cap and walked out
bought me my first car: an early model 1970’s Volvo with
beige exterior with a faux red plush interior.
- Two guys
from #hack—El_Jefe (Zak) & Ap0calypse
(Bob)--befriended me. We shared mutual feelings on
humor. El_Jefe and Ap0calypse were in a hacker gang named
Phone Losers of America (PLA). El_Jefe and I would spend 4-6
hours daily prank calling and social engineering.
“War dialing” to find interesting phone numbers.
‘dumpster diving’ at Pacific Bell. Found
some informational technical manuals. The entire summer was
spent online. I had no concrete interactions.
into the PLA.
working for a friend’s father, Vernon Van Winkle, in his
video production business. We recorded weddings and cable
at Rancho Santiago Community College. My classes were:
Creative Writing; Algebra; Asian History; Speech. I hated the
writing class. The teacher was all ego.
PlA099 under the screen name dr. hate. Released it to the
Volvo’s transmission went defunct. The car stayed
at the mechanics for the next 3 months.
- My speech
class was cancelled. I decided to drop out of Community
College. Spent most of my time online.
talking to a girl, Amy, I met online. She was a friend of
- Broke into
payphones to talk to Amy. My usual spot was at Shaffer
Park. Most nights I sat under the phone booth talking with
her until 2 a.m. The park was always empty.
- Steve and
Aaron were now homeless and sleeping in my community laundry
room. I gave them sleeping bags and blankets.
- Decided to
stop working for Vern. Didn’t show up for work
- Amy wanted
me to come visit her in Illinois. I didn’t
- Got my car
back. It worked for 5 days and the transmission died
again. I was too scared to tell Iris. She was
getting meaner with the drink.
- One night
I stole the car keys from Iris’ work uniform. She
always hung her nurse’s apron in the master bedroom
bath. Pulled her Mitsubishi Galant out in neutral and foot
pushed it down the alley way, started the engine and sped away.
- The Galant
was a stick shift. Something I was not used to driving. I
took the car up into the Anaheim Hills. Suddenly the front
driver’s tire exploded during a turn on a hill. The
area was rural, the car was in a blind spot on the road. I
had no idea how to change a tire and decided to coast the machine down
the hill to a payphone where I would call AAA for assistance.
down the mountain the car’s electric system started to short
out. Every light, bulb and diode sputtered. The
car’s wire harness was caught on the ripped wheel rubber.
- A half
mile from my home the car completely died. I pointed it
towards the curbing and parked it with the emergency break.
The engine wouldn’t turn. Everything electrical was
- Called AAA
from a payphone. They wouldn’t help me because I
was not Iris. It did not matter if my name was on the
account. Ran home and borrowed Iris’ ATM
card. Got out $140 to call a tow truck to bring the car back
to the condo parking.
- Saw Steve
and Aaron wandering around the area. Explained what
happened. We decided steal a replacement tire.
hours of searching, found another Mitsubishi, but not a
Galant. Removed the tire with a jack where the car was
parked. Left it on three wheels.
realized cars have different bearing configurations. The stolen tire
was useless. Tossed the stolen wheel.
- Pushed my
Volvo next to the Mitsubishi. Vandalized both cars with eggs,
mustard, toilet paper and other condiments. Ran upstairs
right before dawn and jumped into bed.
- Iris woke
to find the vandalized cars. Later that day the mechanic
would explain to her what actually was wrong with her car. I
am a really bad liar. I confessed.
- Got my car
back from the mechanics. Now functional.
- Iris left
to gamble in Laughlin, Nevada.
- Picked up
Steve in Orange. Drove to Silverlake to pick up Aaron. Drove
back from LA with the two smoking from a bong in the rear.
neighbor, Jeff, bought us a fifth of cheap whiskey. By the
end of the night I had been thrown out of a local Lucky’s for
wandering in their boiler room and Steve was vomiting,
repeatedly. Took Steve home and fell asleep on my living room
couch to Aaron sucking in a massive bong load.
- Woke up
late in the afternoon. Wrote Iris a letter telling her I left
for Oregon, took Aaron back to Silverlake, drove to LAX, left the Volvo
in short-term parking and stepped on a flight for Oregon. It
was a flight no one knew about other than my mother. She bought the
ticket for me.
- Arrived in
Portland. Crystal, Montana and Ryen greeted me at the
terminal gate. Dutch had abandoned the family. His
pleaded for me to stay and help her raise Montana and Ryen.
Iris’ phone calls. Decided to stay in
Oregon. Did not speak with Iris until 18 months later.
- Woke up in
the morning to discover a golf ball shaped lump on the left side of my
throat. I started weeping. Soon after I was
hysterical with thoughts of brain cancer.
drove me to a hospital. The doctor placed his fingers on my
throat and diagnosed me with globules. I was told to go home
and not worry so much.
demeanor changed after two weeks of living with her. She
began criticizing me for her hardships in life. I was given
an ultimatum to get a job or sign up for welfare by the end of the
month. She threatened me with homelessness if I did not soon
help with money.
- Made an
appointment to apply for state welfare.
- Stopped to
buy a Jolt cola at a Plaid Pantry on the way to the welfare
appointment. The store was conducting new hire orientation
for 4 prospective employees. I asked if they were
hiring. 4 hours later I finished training and was the new
face turned swollen red while she screamed at me for not bringing home
food stamps. I went to bed feeling very confused.
- My first
night working at Plaid Pantry. The other graveyard shift
worker, Jamie Cunningham, showed me how to stock the beer
cooler. We went to his manufactured home during a lunch
break. A 5 foot marijuana plant was growing in his
closet. Jamie removed a black leather kit from a
shoebox. I could see a glass syringe and a spoon. I
declined the offer to shoot up.
- Agreed to
cover Jamie’s shift that night. He drove off. I
never saw him again.
Reynolds began working the morning shift. She had recently
moved from Orange County to Oregon. Flirted with her every
day. I was terrible at it.
- 7 night/60
hour work weeks became the standard.
- Slept on
the carpeted floor in Cheyenne’s bedroom.
an $800 paycheck every month. Crystal demanded $350 be
forfeited for rent.
district manager of Plaid Pantry informed me I possessed a black
aura. I had never met the man previously.
became more abusive. I was accused of being selfish by not
helping the family. Crystal was very angry I was not
babysitting my brother and sister so she could catch up on her sleep or
go out shopping alone. She yelled me into
submission. I didn’t sleep much after.
a neighbor Shane Heavyrunner, a mixed-blood native american heavyweight
rain desolated the city. It was a vicious winter.
- Ate LSD
for the first time. After pressuring me to drop the acid with
him, Shane suddenly left to run errands. Sat at home alone
talking to Ryen’s “Casper, The Friendly
Ghost” pillowcase for the majority of the drug experience.
a radio frequency scanner to eavesdrop on cellular phone
calls. Listened to a conversation between a medical doctor
and a father debating to keep the latter’s son on life
support. A decision was made. The doctor provided the death
itinerary. I cried a little.
February floods of 1996: Days of heavy rain punished the
city. The temperature suddenly rose causing the mountain ice
packs to melt. The lower end of town was immersed in 10-12
feet of water. I was trapped. Cars, houses, trees
and a mall disappeared. A boat drove in circles over a
parking lot of drowned vehicles.
Ramirez, a co-worker, offered her couch to me. She felt bad
after hearing how abusive Crystal was.
- Packed my
belongings into my backpack and moved in with Lydia.
Didn’t tell Crystal I was leaving or where I was going.
- Stole the
entire stock of beer from Plaid Pantry’s cooler with the help
of Shane. Unofficially quit by not going back to work.
ex-lover, Rudy Gonzalez, arrived from Oxnard, CA. Rudy was
fleeing from a handful of felony arrest warrants.
- Met Cory
Kalteich and his mulatto cousin Jay. They lived in the same
apartment building as Lydia.
worked two jobs. She often wouldn’t sleep.
- Slept on
the couch. It wasn’t so bad. Lydia had a
sister, Anitra Nunez, living there too. Anitra was feminine
and beautiful; she had skin the color of old pennies.
drinking every day.
- Some fat
bitch thief came over to Lydia’s. She lived in the
neighborhood. The fat bitch thief stole money out of my
wallet. She ran home.
showed up at the thief’s house. She
wouldn’t come out. Her man wouldn’t
either. Rudy started kicking in the door. He heard
sirens and fled home.
- Popped all
four tires on the fat bitch thief’s car. Used a
would often invite me to her room. We would sit on her bed
and talk to each other. She told me she had a dead baby son
while pointing to a small picture of a smiling boy. I had an
still saw each other. Awkwardly. We would usually
go park somewhere public and drink until dawn.
- At a party
with Cory and Jay. They confide they steal Volkswagon
cars. We decide to find some automobiles to pilfer.
- Stole my
first car from a church parking lot.
steal a second car. This one belonging to the
- As I stood
in line at Plaid Pantry, a boy made a throat slice motion with his hand
and pointed at me. I had never seen the kid before.
- Jay and I
followed him up the hill. When I was close enough to ask him
what he meant by the threat 7 teenagers circled me. Jay was
- A girl I
knew from Cory came out. She got the guys to back off long
enough for me to run away.
- Came back
with Rudy, Shane, Cory, Jay and myself. We all had weapons
except for Shane.
knocked on the door of a mobile home. A man in his late
fifties answered and told us to “fuck
off.” Shane threw an uppercut to the
man’s soft head knocking him out.
- We moved
back to the street. Teenaged boys were pouring out of
apartments. Cory sliced one from the corner of the eye to the
bottom of the cheek with his blade. Rudy was clubbing several
boys with a cue stick. A man was pleading for Shane not to
hit him again. I went to stab the man but Shane flashed an
uppercut. The man started weeping on the asphalt of the
street. Sirens came. We fled.
- Talked to
Anitra about Death. It was the first night I didn’t
have a panic attack over the subject.
- Got a job
working the janitorial graveyard shift at Fred Meyers. Spent
nights vacuuming, cleaning, mopping. The entire time worked I
thought about death. Masturbated to the smell of menstruation
while cleaning the women’s bathroom.
- Shane gave
me a ride to SE Portland. He dropped me off in
- Went to
Rick’s house. Talked for a few hours. He
told me Bob was in the urn above my head.
- Earlier in
the year, Bob had fought back against two bullies. The
agitators were ex-friends of Rick. Bob beat both of the boys
with a mop stick. The cops were called. Bob was
worried because Oregon had recently passed the minimum sentencing law
and assault was a felony. He was going to get 5 years in
prison for defending himself.
- A friend
came over with a revolver tucked in his work boot. The friend
tried to convince Bob and Rick to shoot the two boys to mitigate the
looming 5 year sentence. Bob refused. The gun was
muzzle up and tucked back in the boot. It accidentally fired
a bullet bounced twice against the cement walls of the
basement. The bullet exploded Bob’s
chest. He died in Rick’s arms mouthing the words
“it’s okay.” And spitting up
- I felt
contrite about Bob’s death. I could have protected
- Drank all
night with Maggie, Cory and Jay for my birthday. The night
ended in daylight with Maggie leaving. I felt really sad
about death. Laid down in a gutter to watch the cars pass by.
confided in me that he had killed a woman then melted her corpse with
- Drank a
5th of tequila. Maggie dropped me off at home. 3
hours later I woke in the abandoned field next to the apartment
building. Rain was falling on my head.
had been snorting cocaine for months. They suddenly became
paranoid towards me.
drunkenly admitted one night she liked guys like me. I was
too dense to understand what she meant.
pointed a butcher knife and threatened to kill me while I slept on the
couch one evening. Lydia panicked and called the
police. Rudy’s last words before incarceration
were, “I’m going to murder
you!” I slept through the entire altercation.
- A lean
& muscular man wearing camouflage pants came to the apartment
looking for Anitra. He introduced himself as Ron, her
husband. He had been training for 6 months with the US Army
avoided me. She refused to talk to me intimately anymore.
- Had been
drinking heavily with Maggie and her cousin Sara.
Maggie’s car was parked next to a black Volkswagon
Cabriolet. I pretended to break in to the car to scare Maggie
- 5 police
enforcement vehicles descended on us as I drove out of the apartment
building. A neighbor contacted the Tualatin police department
after witnessing the drunken prank. I was handcuffed,
verbally abused, handed a ticket to appear in court and released.
- Lost my
virginity with Maggie. The sex was horrible. I was
too busy thinking, “I HATE MYSELF,” to enjoy the
- Moved to
an apartment building, Todd Village, with Maggie, Cory and
Brian. Brian worked with Maggie at Plaid Pantry, coated white
makeup on his face, and proclaimed to be goth. I hated the
several temporary jobs as a telemarketer. The jobs would last
1-4 days, paid $5.25/hr typically. The workspaces were all
the same: a makeshift desk, a phone, a pencil and paper. I
frequently thought about suicide.
loathed his mother & father. He told Maggie about his
plans to steal a few grand from their house the next time they were out
following weekend Brian’s parents left for a 14 day
vacation. Maggie drove to their home and convinced me to help
break in. We took $6,000 in cash. I felt terrible
- Bought a
computer. Also, a shopping mall engagement ring.
stolen credit card numbers to order pizza for pick-up. Had a
surplus of 3000 plus card numbers from a hacked website.
Fraud was our source of nutrition.
dinner with Cory and his mother in Washington state.
ended an argument with Maggie by shoving her. He had left for
his parents after the altercation with her.
arrived home from Washington State to find Maggie in Brian’s
room. She had the eyes of a destroyer. Maggie
poured bleach in the television, slashed the waterbed fifteen different
directions, scored every compact disc, dented, crushed, and flattened
anything with more than a $10 worth.
morning, Maggie moved everything in Brian’s room to the
dumpster outside. I never saw Brian again. The
subject of the disagreement was never disclosed to me.
Maggie’s alcoholic grandmother, Barbara, and her
schizophrenic aunt, Pati.
- Got a job
as a data entry clerk at Oregon Title Insurance Company. The
position paid $6.50/hr, but the placement agency forced me to sign a
contract (otherwise I wouldn’t be hired). According
to the contract, I owed the placement agency $250 a paycheck/$7000
total. I made less than minimum wage because of the fees.
ultrasound image. My son was beautiful. His
predicted birth date was May 22nd —my birthday.
moved to an apartment in Lake Oswego owned by Barbara. Had to
pay full rent.
- Made an
extra $150 a week by shoplifting/returning merchandise from/to Fred
Meyer & JC Penny.
- Adopted an
Australian shepherd dog from the pound. Her name was
Stormy. The placard on the cage indicated Stormy was 2 years
old but had never been inside a home. She pissed submissively
when I knelt down to pet her. Her sadness hurt me a little.
- Stormy was
abused badly by her previous owner. She had severe
abandonment anxiety and couldn’t be left alone.
Anywhere. The first night home from the pound I pad locked
her in a dog crate before leaving for dinner. I came home to
a living room of broken things.
- Maggie was
diagnosed with Toxemia and Gestational Diabetes. Her body
wanted to nullify the baby.
went to the doctor’s 2-3 times a week. She would
randomly vomit 4 or 5 times a day. Her body was getting
Crystal to let her know she was going to be a Grandmother. It
was the first time we spoke since my departure. She had a
selfish excitement about being it.
Iris. She was very drunk. I couldn’t
explain much to her without getting angry.
- The work
placement agency was threatening to garnish my wages because I had not
been paying the monthly fees.
sickness worsened. The doctors committed her to bed
rest/hospital observation for 2 weeks.
- My son was
at risk. The doctors decided Maggie needed an earlier
birthing date. They planned on inducing labor the next day.
morning hospital arrival. I brought Stormy. Left
her in the car. My Toyota was the only place she felt
- Maggie had
gurgle tubes attached to her in various places. The nurses
were not letting her eat. Her blood sugar crashed twice
causing the nurses to go into a panic. I fed Maggie some
stolen peanut butter when the idiot nurses were out of the room.
induction medication was not working as quickly as planned.
Maggie’s cervix hadn’t dilated at all after 5
hours. We watched television to pass the time. A
black lady on ‘The Price is Right’ yelled,
“I’M NOT MAD AT CHA BOB!” All
of a sudden I felt empty and alone.
- My mother
arrived by nightfall. We went to the cafeteria
together. It was the first break I had had all
day/night. I got pistachio pudding. We
didn’t talk much.
mechanical breathing device was fastened over Maggie’s face
when I returned. I asked the lead nurse why the breathing
apparatus was being used. She responded with,
“Don’t worry about it. You
don’t work here.” I was removed from the
room for telling the nurse to go fuck herself.
- By the
next morning, Maggie was dilated. Her water broke suddenly,
within 20 minutes she was lava faced, slurp sucking the air.
Her pussy was bulging from a round object pushing out from within.
happened quickly. A cut from asshole to vagina, screaming,
pushing, then abruptly the doctor yanked him out. I started
to panic. The baby looked like tethered death, he
wasn’t moving or making a noise.
- My knees
buckled but I caught myself. All I could do was stare at the
silent baby. My stomach began to spasm and my eyes were
paralyzed but I couldn’t cry. Fear kept me from
talking. I was mortified.
- The doctor
smacked the baby slightly. Then a huge stream of piss erupted
from my son’s penis in response. It hit the nurses,
the doctor, and Maggie. I began to cry hysterically; my son
- Cut the
embilical cord with scissors. Asked the doctor if I could
keep all of the cord. He didn’t take me seriously.
- Held my
son and smiled.
- Went home
for the night. The next morning I would pick them up to bring
- Got a call
before leaving for the hospital. Steve and Aaron where weird
on LSD and driving from San Francisco to see me in Portland.
They expected to be there tonight by 8 pm.
- Left for
Jereme Dean : True Love